My Awkward Love Life

2010-10-18T10:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I accidently changed my Facebook information from being "in a relationship" to "single." In the time it took me to realize this mistake (10 minutes), six of my friends had already "liked" it.

2010-10-17T10:39:00.000-07:00

Last night, I came home to find my dad blacked-out in his office. He was building boobs out of Legos.

2010-10-16T22:37:00.001-07:00

Today, I caught my roommate masturbating to a re-run of Hana Montana.

2010-09-07T17:32:00.000-07:00

Today, an ambulance was called to my apartment complex because a guy got his dick stuck in one of the hot tub's jets.

2010-09-07T13:31:00.001-07:00

Last night, I hooked-up with a guy who told me to "fuck him like a widow."

2010-09-03T19:01:00.000-07:00

Last night, I blacked out and hooked-up with my cousin. When we both woke up the next morning, she looked at me and said, "That was weird. We should probably stick to 2nd cousins from now on."

2010-09-03T14:00:00.000-07:00

Last night, in the heat of the moment, my girlfriend asked me to pee inside of her.

2010-08-23T20:19:00.001-07:00

My boyfriend begged me to blow him while he was playing xbox, so I did. After a couple minutes I realized he was actually talking to the nazi zombies in the game and he told me to stop because he couldn't focus.

2010-08-23T20:17:00.001-07:00

Last night, during rough sex, my girlfriend kneed me in the balls and yelled "Gooooaaaaaallllllll!!!!"

2010-08-23T20:16:00.000-07:00

Today, I received a text from my boyfriend saying he was confused; he didn't understand how I could love him and not want to have anal sex.

2010-03-22T22:22:00.000-07:00

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, I realized that I had to be at the gynecologist's office in 15 minutes. Although I did my best to clean myself up, the doctor definitely found some leftovers.

2010-03-19T15:50:00.000-07:00

Apparently, my girlfriend would rather read a book than have sex because "it lasts longer and she is always guaranteed a climax."

2010-03-18T15:00:00.000-07:00

I haven't had sex in a long time because I have not been interested. However, after watching lions mate on the Discovery Channel, I found myself masturbating.

2010-03-17T18:44:00.001-07:00

Once, my husband farted in my face when we were 69ing. For revenge, I farted back... except instead of a fart, I sharted in his eye.

2010-03-13T15:15:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I found my dad's porn stash on the family computer. When I clicked on the first video I saw, it took me two minutes until I realized it was my parents. By that point, I had a boner.

2010-03-12T15:11:00.000-08:00

Last week, I found out my girlfriend was posting our love life (sex) on LiveJournal. Every detail was listed except that night that she went ass to mouth.

2010-03-11T15:05:00.000-08:00

Last night, my boyfriend went to finger my asshole. I got so nervous that I just let him do it. Afterwards, he started sensually sucking on his finger and tried to make me do the same.

2010-03-10T23:05:00.000-08:00

Last night, while rummaging through my girlfriends things, I found a picture of her ex-boyfriend banging her doggy style.

2010-03-07T22:08:00.000-08:00

A moment ago, my Girlfriend's mom walked in on us having sex. Without being phased, she asked us, "what do you guys want for dinner?"

2010-03-04T14:04:00.000-08:00

Last night, during an intense make-out session with my boyfriend, he said, "I'm so wet for you." Thinking nothing of the comment, I slipped my hand down his pants to find that he had prematurely ejaculated.

2010-03-01T21:38:00.000-08:00

This week I started taking Enzyte; the natural male enhancer. Nothing lasted longer or got bigger, but I did get more boners while watching Man vs. Wild.

2010-02-27T14:25:00.000-08:00

Last night, my boyfriend accidentally sent me this text: "Yo, I'm going over to my girlfriend's to get some of that $5 Dollar Box ;) I'll catch up with you guys later."

2010-02-24T09:26:00.000-08:00

This morning my mom found my crusty jizz-rag crumpled up at the end of my bed.

2010-02-23T09:25:00.000-08:00

This morning, the guy I went home with last night told me how happy he was that he finally lost his virginity. I didn't have the heart to tell him that he was too drunk and passed out before we had sex.

2010-02-22T18:22:00.000-08:00

Last night, I quickly pulled out and came on my girlfriend's face. The deer-in-headlights look on her face was priceless.

2010-02-22T09:22:00.000-08:00

Last night, I hooked up with this guy and he high-fived me after I swallowed.

2010-02-21T18:20:00.000-08:00

Today, I saw my little brother masturbating on ChatRoulette.

2010-02-21T09:13:00.000-08:00

Today, in the gym showers, I saw two old men washing each others back.

2010-02-20T21:13:00.001-08:00

My girlfriend used mayonnaise as a lube for masturbation. 3 days later she had uncontrollable orgasms. After visiting the doctor, they found out she had maggots in her vagina.

2010-02-14T18:30:00.000-08:00

Today, I found my dad's Hentai collection. Happy Valentine's Day!

2010-02-14T14:40:00.000-08:00

Last night, while my boyfriend was black-out drunk, he ensured me that he has never cheated on me... at least not with another person.

2010-02-10T22:00:00.000-08:00

Last night, my friend drunkenly told me to tell my sister to shave her bush. Apparently, they have been hooking up for 6 months.

2010-02-10T18:15:00.000-08:00

Last year, while I was at Comic-Con, a random guy tried to convince me to give him a hand-job while wearing a Nintendo Power Glove.

2010-02-10T15:00:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, while my boyfriend and I were having anal sex, he said that he could feel my soul.

2010-02-10T10:00:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I walked in on my mom looking up gay porn.

2010-02-08T22:10:00.000-08:00

Last night, I walked in on my girlfriend masturbating with a Lamb Chops hand puppet.

2010-02-08T18:15:00.000-08:00

I just found out that my dad refers to his penis as "President Nixon."

2010-02-08T15:00:00.000-08:00

Last night, my boyfriend quoted John Mayer lyrics the entire time we had sex.

2010-02-08T11:11:00.001-08:00

Yesterday my girlfriend brought out a huge dildo during sex, held it to her forehead, and claimed that she was a "poon-i-corn"

2010-02-07T22:06:00.000-08:00

After sex last night, I got up to use the bathroom and my boyfriend slapped me on the ass, and said, "Good game. Way to hustle out there."

2010-02-07T18:05:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I walked in on my roommate with his dick in one hand and a stop-watch in the other.

2010-02-07T14:03:00.000-08:00

Last night, I got drunk and purchased a 3-foot dildo with my college fund. This conversation should go well with my parents.

2010-02-07T10:01:00.000-08:00

Today, I saw an elderly couple making out.

2010-02-07T02:01:00.001-08:00

Last night, my boyfriend made me watch a porno to learn how to properly deep throat.

2010-02-03T05:00:00.000-08:00

I was riding my man last night, and he asked me to go "reverse cowgirl" for him, as I lifted my leg to turn trying to be all sexy, I definitely let one rip. oops

2010-02-02T20:33:00.000-08:00

Today, my boyfriend's friend asked my boyfriend if he could feel my breasts because he wanted to know how they were. My boyfriend said he could.

2010-02-02T10:30:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I told my boyfriend I had to pee. He then told me to pee in his mouth. He was serious.

2010-02-02T05:16:00.000-08:00

When I was younger, I used to masturbate on the toilet. Now, every time I am done having sex I have to take a shit.

2010-02-01T17:24:00.000-08:00

Last night, my girlfriend asked me if she could poop on me while I slept. I said "oh hell yea!" jokingly of course. I thought she was kidding too. Waking up on the wrong side of the bed this morning was the least of my worries!

2010-02-01T10:23:00.000-08:00

Last night, as me and my girlfriend was getting it on I asked her what turns her on. Her answer? Gay porn.

2010-02-01T05:22:00.000-08:00

Today, I got my phone bill and it was $400... I mean come on... When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $4.95 per minute

2010-01-31T20:20:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I walked in on my aunt and uncle doing it to the Eye of the Tiger. my aunt screaming "you rock mah world!"

2010-01-31T10:15:00.000-08:00

Today, I came home to find my husband trying to fuck the hole between the two mattresses that make our bed.

2010-01-31T05:12:00.000-08:00

The only way I can get off is by slamming my dick with the toilet seat.

2010-01-30T22:09:00.000-08:00

Today, my new boyfriend was being romantic and was telling me how much he loved me. I didn't know how to respond back romantically, as from all my previous relationships I only learned how to tease and talk dirty.

2010-01-30T17:07:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago, my boyfriend and I were having sex when his 14 year old brother walked in and jumped on top of my boyfriend and began riding him while moaning and screaming "Harder!" Our sex has never been the same since.

2010-01-30T09:05:00.000-08:00

Last night, I hooked up with a cougar. During the sex, she said, "Oh yeah, fuck me like my first husband."

2010-01-30T05:04:00.000-08:00

Last night, my boyfriend's parents were out of town so we decided that I would sleep over. Turns out, his mom came home early. She made us breakfast.

2010-01-29T19:00:00.000-08:00

Last night, I had an erotic dream about rubbing Ben & Jerry's ice cream all over my boyfriend's body. In my dream the cookie dough chunks were bigger than my boyfriend's balls. Sadly for him, I think the last part is actually true.

2010-01-29T13:57:00.000-08:00

Last night, my girlfriend brought home a cow costume and asked me to wear it. She wanted to milk me as foreplay.

2010-01-29T04:53:00.000-08:00

Today my boyfriend and I were pullin' a 69 when he decided biting my vag and "being like a dog" would be hilarious.

2010-01-28T22:51:00.000-08:00

Today, I agreed to go on a date with a guy. An hour later, I had a relationship request on Facebook.

2010-01-28T20:40:00.000-08:00

I once gave a guy head at a party, out the back garden. Later I found out he'd stolen a £10 note out of my bra. Basically cost me a tenner to give a stranger head.

2010-01-28T16:38:00.000-08:00

Last week, I finally let my girlfriend stick her finger in my butt (after months of wanting to try it out) when we had intercourse. As it was going in, my sphincter tightened and all of a sudden, diarrhea soaked her entire hand.

2010-01-28T12:36:00.000-08:00

Last night my girl and i were jerking-off/fingering each other and she got so into it that she ripped the head a little. I now have a red skinless patch on my dick.

2010-01-28T05:31:00.000-08:00

Last night, I blacked out. I woke up naked next to a guy with a condom wrapper on the floor that was the same brand as my secret stash. Turns out after the first round I went tearing around the room looking for condoms before passing out during round 2.

2010-01-27T21:30:00.000-08:00

Last night my girlfriend wanted to try anal for the first time. As I pulled out to cum, she pooped a little on my dick.

2010-01-27T14:28:00.000-08:00

Last night, I was going down on my girlfriend underneath the covers of her bed when her little sister walked in. She asked what I was doing under there and my girlfriend said "ssshhh he's hiding." Her sister said "I wanna play!" and came and "hid" with me.

2010-01-27T10:33:00.000-08:00

I'm a "squirter". The first time my boyfriend fisted me and I squirted all over him and everything around us, he though I peed on him and freaked out.

2010-01-27T10:26:00.000-08:00

Last night, I was having se with my girlfriend when my mom walked in without knocking on the door and said "Oh, your having sex. Do you think you can empty the garbage?"

2010-01-27T05:25:00.000-08:00

Today my girlfriend told me I reminded her of an orc. I'm not sure how to take that.

2010-01-26T21:24:00.000-08:00

When my boyfriend comes, it sounds like he is crying.

2010-01-26T15:23:00.000-08:00

Today, I was about to have sex with my girlfriend. After I pulled out my penis, she laughed and poked it.

2010-01-26T10:22:00.000-08:00

A few days ago, my boyfriend and I were fooling around. I started going down on him as he started pleasuring me too. After he came, he fell asleep... hands still in my pants.

2010-01-26T05:20:00.000-08:00

My boyfriend likes to wear makeup when we have sex.

2010-01-25T21:19:00.000-08:00

My brother, who is gay, came to visit me in college this weekend. Saturday night I found a sock on my door, and on Sunday morning I found him in bed with my married professor. Monday my professor called me to his office suggesting I switch classes.

2010-01-25T16:18:00.000-08:00

The other night, while my boyfriend and I were having sex in his candlelit room, he thought it would be hot to drip hot wax on me. It was really hot... especially when my hair set fire.

2010-01-25T12:16:00.000-08:00

I had sex with this one guy and it was his first time. When it was over, 8 seconds later, he exclaimed, "We did it!! Thank you, God!"

2010-01-25T09:16:00.001-08:00

I was having sex with my boss on his desk one night and his cell phone went off. Rather than answering it, he tried shoving it up my ass.

2010-01-24T05:43:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I walked in on my brother brushing the hair of a blow-up doll.

2010-01-23T23:42:00.000-08:00

I met my current girlfriend when I walked in and she was being Eiffel Towered by my two roommates.

2010-01-23T16:40:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I went to my professor's office to see if there was anyway I could make up a test. Her response: "Are you into Furries?"

2010-01-23T10:39:00.000-08:00

Last night, I came home to find my dad sleeping ass-naked on the sofa. He was only wearing socks.

2010-01-23T05:38:00.000-08:00

Today, I found out my boyfriend of two years has me saved in his phone as "fuck puppet."

2010-01-22T19:37:00.000-08:00

Last night, I hooked up with a religious fanatic. I'm pretty sure she was reciting Exodus 20:14 the entire time: "Thou shalt not commit adultery."

2010-01-22T14:35:00.000-08:00

Last night, I went on a first date with a girl and we had anal sex in the bathroom of the restaurant.

2010-01-22T11:37:00.000-08:00

Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me. She told me that my penis was like T-Rex arms: short and useless.

2010-01-22T11:34:00.000-08:00

Last night, I had a sex dream about Pauly Shore and Pee Wee Herman.

2010-01-20T22:12:00.000-08:00

Last night, I had a one night stand. My ex-boyfriend is such a gentleman that he picked me up in the morning, took me to the clinic and bought me Plan B.

2010-01-20T18:11:00.000-08:00

This morning I woke up with a citation from the police in my pocket that read "Public sex on a swing set."

2010-01-20T14:08:00.000-08:00

Last night, I hooked up with a chick whose boobs were like a venn diagram.

2010-01-20T10:06:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I had to take my boyfriend to the hospital for burns on his penis. He still wont tell me what happened.

2010-01-19T21:43:00.000-08:00

Last night, my best friend and I double-dated. Me with my current girlfriend, and him with an old girlfriend. I've had sex with all three of them (not at the same time)

2010-01-19T18:00:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, for my 18th birthday, my father got me a hotel room and a prostitute.

2010-01-19T14:00:00.000-08:00

Last night, my girlfriend asked if she could "milk" my prostate.

2010-01-19T10:11:00.000-08:00

Last night, my step-father saw me in my underwear. His response: "wow, you do take after your mother."

2010-01-18T16:00:00.000-08:00

Today, my boyfriend told me that if I really loved him then I should go ass to mouth.

2010-01-18T12:00:00.000-08:00

Today, my girlfriend's mom saw me with morning wood.

2010-01-18T08:01:00.000-08:00

Last night, my friends and I went to a strip club. Everything was amazing until I finished in my pants during the lap-dance.

2010-01-15T10:30:00.000-08:00

Last night, I found out my mother was a stripper until she got impregnated by one of her best clients... my father.